Monday, January 24, 2005

Bye Bye Birdie

Kill 'em. That's right - I said kill 'em. Kill every bird that exists today. I'm not talking about taking them to the endangered species list or even to the brink of extinction. I am hereby authorizing the complete 100% annihilation of every last feathery creature that gets more than 3 feet of lift in the world. I've had enough! I can't take it anymore! Did you know that the United States has over 3.5 million square miles? That's a lot of space, right? I mean, that's a ton of space, isn't it? I'm not crazy, am I? So will someone please explain why it is that with millions of square miles, billions of square feet, every bird known to mankind seems to find some kind of sick humor in using my car as target practice. I kid you not. Of all the farm land, all the roads, all the desert and all the rivers and oceans, they prefer to use my automobile as their toilet du jour not once a year or even monthly, but what feels to be pretty much every day of the year. Hell, even if they wanted to stick with nothing but moving vehicles, I still couldn't possibly have more than a .0001% chance of being hit, could I?

What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I've paid my overpriced zoo tickets on plenty of occasions. I've always stopped short to avoid those obnoxious pigeons. I think I even recall buiding a rather comfy birdhouse during my youth. So why me?

When I was younger, I used to naively think that it had something having to do with the specific car I was driving. They like Jettas. Yes, that must be it. They have something against the Germans and this was their way of letting off a little steam perhaps? O.K., that seems fair enough. So I sold it. New car, old problem. I don't know if they have access to DMV records or what but they found me. There I was driving out of the car lot with my brand spanking new Acura and SPLAT! Right on the winshield. So it wasn't the Jetta afterall. Ah hah! I've got it! It's the color of the car. That's gotta be it. They have something against the color gray (heck, I'm not really in love with it myself). Or perhaps all cars are on their hit list? Maybe I need a different type of vehicle altogether. I thought I was getting warm. So I eventually traded the car in and got myself a BLUE SUV. Different color. Different vehicle type. Same problem.

I know everyone reading this (all 3 of you) is thinking, "Boy, this guy sure does exaggerate. There's no way it's nearly as bad as he's making it out to be. Everyone gets hit once in a blue moon. It's simply random." So let me leave you with this final annecdote. It's fresh in my mind because it happened just this morning. I woke up to my normal monday morning ritual and got myself ready to go to work. A fresh day, a fresh week. I was feeling good. I kissed my wife and kid goodbye, walked over to my car and I couldn't believe my eyes. Right there smack in the middle of my freshly washed winshield was not one, not two, not three but FOUR bird droppings! Did you read that correctly? Read it again. I said FOUR!!! One would be a bad enough way to start off the week but four? You've got to be kidding! But wait, there's more. Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready? How could it possibly get worse, you ask? Like this...

The car was parked in the garage.

I rest my case.


At 10:25 AM, Blogger Katura said...

hahaha...okay, ive read every post. I'm sitting at work and cant help but giggle. toooooo funny.......also funny that my grey little car never seems to get hit by the birds...hmmmm

At 11:45 PM, Blogger google nut said...

I just happened upon your blog and it's proven to be quite interesting. I run a birdhouse website at and I have some deals you may find interesting this spring. I will return often to your blog and check out your new posts. Good luck and keep it going!

At 12:55 PM, Anonymous cell phone said...

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