Monday, January 24, 2005

Pull up your pants

O.K. o.k., I'm the first to admit that I'm not exactly what you would call a fashion buff. Let's just say that about 95% of my clothes can be traced back to the Gap. The other 5% were gifts from my wife over the years - they're much more hip, more trendy, more fashion-forward, more "in" than anything else I own - which is why they still sit in the way way back of my closet to this day.

As conservative as my clothing tastes may be, I can still respect those that wish to push the attire envelope. I may not like it. But I get it. Sort of. That is, until the last few years. The subject here folks is jeans. I've seen all variations over the years - faded, stone washed, hard, soft, narrow, wide, red, green, yellow, orange (I'm not kidding), straight legged, tapered, bell bottoms, etc. Just when I thought I had seen it all, out of left field comes these low riders. And I mean LOOOOOOWWWW. We're talking wastelines that start below the butt. But that was then. These days, if you're wearing jeans that start just below your butt crack, you're almost too conservative. Now you're only cool if you wear these things starting at mid thigh. You heard me right - mid thigh (and mid thigh is where the top of the jeans sit for those of you not paying close enough attention out there). Would you believe that I've even seen a pair or two being worn from the knee down? I kid you not. I saw it with my own two eyes. You know, where I come from, we had a name for jeans that went from your knees down to your shoes... we called them socks!!!

So I've got a question. A straight forward one I believe. Why? I mean, why wear anything at this point? Why not just save the money and go to the mall in your boxers and a t-shirt? That's what you're pretty much doing anyway, right? And here's another question: how the hell do you even get around with jeans latched around your knees? Come to think of it, maybe that's exactly the point. Maybe you're not really supposed to move at all. Maybe the idea here is to wake up, get out of bed, put on your jeans, stand still all day long until you're ready for bed and then take them off, jump back into bed and catch some shut eye.

Are you ready for the best part? Have you ever wondered how this trend got started in the first place? What possibly could have inspired this insane fashion trend (and I use the term "fashion" extremely loosely here)? Well, I did a little digging to find the answer (you gotta just love the Internet for ground breaking research like this). And here's what I came up with. Prisons. That's correct - federal penitentiaries. Why you may ask? Because in prisons (at least in the maximum security kind - not in the Martha Stewart variety) a belt in the wrong hands can be used as a weapon or a suicide aid. And that's a no-no. So bye bye belts. And without the belts, there's nothing left to really hold up the pants. So there you have it. Isn't it great to see these rapists and murderers serve as role models for our youth? I know it makes me proud.

But now that I think about it for a minute, the logic doesn't quite hold water for me. Humor me for a minute if you would. Stand up right now. Remove your belt. What happened? Did your pants fall down to your knees? I didn't think so. I must admit - it would be a pretty funny site seeing all these violent, hardened criminals tripping all over themselves with low riding, knee-high jeans. Now that would make for an interesting reality show.


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