Thursday, February 17, 2005


I went to a department store to pick up some dress clothes last weekend. Boy, was I ever lost. Thousands of shirts, slacks, ties, jackets, all of different colors, styles and patterns. I was so overwhelmed I just froze. No kidding. I just stood there, stiff as a board, for what felt like hours. Once I dethawed, I quietly backed out of the store, ran back home and hugged all of my old, dated, worn clothes.

It got me thinking. I really miss Garanimals. Remember? You simply match the animal tags and you're good to go. No worrying what colors go together, what's going to blend and what's going to clash. Got a zebra shirt? No problem. Go find yourself some zebra pants and you're home free. Those were the days...

My question is, why are they just for kids? Let's not kid ourselves - men haven't evolved in their wardrobe selection one iota since they were 6. We still haven't a clue what goes with what. But matching animals? Piece of cake. Heck, make the tags in the shape of the animals and I could do it with my eyes closed. Anyway, that's what I want. In fact, I'd bet all my stock options that that's all most men want. The world of off colors and bright colors and stripes and polka dots and patterns are just too foreign. You've got to be a magician to come up with a shirt, a pair of pants, a belt, socks and shoes that all go together. Throw in a tie and jacket and we're really screwed. Matching a half dozen orangutangs, on the other hand, is a piece of cake. It's what we were born to do.

While we're at it, let's extend the Garanimals brand to the culinary world too. I can't stand going to a fancy restaurant and having them look at you funny when you order an appetizer that doesn't match the entree. Excuse me for incorporating tuna into my appetizer and main dish. I wasn't aware of the rules. And God forbid if I order red wine with my fish. So to all of your snooty waiters out there, don't mock us. Just garanimalize your food and the confusion will be over. You can even have a formal rule: No mixing animals! If you're really that drawn to the hippo appetizer, then it's the hippo salad, the hippo entree, the hippo wine and the hippo dessert for you. Now that's the way the world should operate. If only I were President...


At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Howard said...


I felt the urge to write this note, to thank you for highlighting these issues in here... I have tried to find out the same information in the local library and had not found half the stuff that you mention here.



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