Thursday, November 10, 2005

Suicide Barrier

Has anyone been following the Golden Gate Bridge suicide barrier debate? The complex argument, as best I can decipher, goes something like this: People jump off the bridge. People die. Let's spend millions of taxpayer dollars putting up a suicide barrier so nobody will die off the bridge anymore. Wow, what logic. Hey, while we're at it, let's also take aspirin off the market so nobody can overdose on those. That's right all you pill poppers - no more aspirin overdosing on our nickle. Oh sure, so a few migraines and toothaches will go uncured from time to time but that's the price we must pay! Now that I think about it... say goodbye to razor blades. Thinking about slitting your rist? Not any more you're not. Contemplating a good hanging? Good luck finding any rope. Because under my new plan, there won't be any rope to buy anywhere. And you can kiss those fancy bathtubs goodbye too for you drowning wanna be's. No chance. Sure, we won't exactly smell like daffodils anymore but once we all stink, we won't notice anymore. Trust me... I'm really onto something. I just feel it.

Of course in true San Franciscan fashion, we can't either decide for it or against it. No, that would be way too easy. Instead, let's spend a couple million dollars conducting a feasibility study to decide whether or not we should erect the suicide barrier. Geez. I'll tell you what... I don't think that's enough. That's right. I think we should first conduct a feasibility study about whether we should have the feasibility study to study whether we should erect the barrier. I mean, let's be absolutely 100% certain we need that feasibility study.

Here's my suggestion. Ready? Forget the barrier. Instead, let's put up an invisible safety net about 10 feet below the jump off point. So the jumper thinks he's taking his life and then a few milliseconds later... he's just lying there tangled in the net feeling like an idiot. Once he hits the net, sirens and neon lights could go off informing all the passer by's on the bridge that the net caught another one and to come take pictures. Heck, we might as well throw a webcam into the mix as long as we're at it.

So there's my solution if anyone's listening. Anyone? Anyone?


At 5:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only problem is the net can't be permanent. It would have to be designed to be put into place randomly, so the jumper wouldn't know if they were going to hit the water or the net. Now that's worth 10 times more than that damn feasability study.

At 4:20 AM, Anonymous Z-n-law said...

Please let me know where to send a check and I'll support your bid for city council

At 6:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



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