Monday, November 21, 2005


Yuck. That's all I've got to say. I sooner look forward to morning after cold pizza than bland turkey and its sidekicks. I mean, here we are on the one day all year we've chosen to set aside as the special day to give thanks and for what? Turkey? Thanks but no thanks.

Beyond my pure distaste for the traditional meal, there are some particular aspects to it that I just don't get. For starters, why do we keep the gravy separate from the turkey, only to be united in one sloppy mess on our plates? Is this supposed to be some kind of built up drama? A big surprise for the turkey like a child being reunited with its long lost biological parent? Hey turkey, we've got a special surprise for you... Close your eyes. Ready? Tadam! It's your old buddy the gravy. You guys are finally together at last. Huh? Can you think of any other meal where we separate the topping from the primary meat until it's served? Have you ever in your life been to a buffet with chicken parmigiana where you first put on the chicken, then add some tomato sauce followed by some melted cheese? Or picture yourself in your favorite BBQ joint ordering BBQ chicken only to be presented with a plain piece of chicken and a bottle of BBQ sauce. THIS WOULD BE INSANE! Hey, I'm not here to ruin anyone's holiday meal but let's just call a spade a spade, shall we? The reason we have gravy to begin with is because the turkey is dry and boring. I can't think of a more boring meat. It's so boring, in fact, that we have to invent some gravy just to make it edible. Gee, that makes a lot of sense.

But nooooooooooooooooooo. That's not enough. Ready for more insanity? How about the stuffing? How about it? "Stuffing." Get it? It's "stuffing" but it's not actually stuffed into anything (and last time I checked, nothing was actually stuffed in the stuffing either). It's just sitting there by itself. That's the irony. There's no stuffing about it. It's no more stuffing than the sweet potatoes or cranberry sauce or turkey for that matter but it still gets anointed as stuffing.

Speaking of cranberry sauce, why? Have I died and gone to hell? Come on folks. We can do better than that, can't we? Heck, I'd settle for a deli pickle over a spoonful of cranberry sauce any day. Let me ask you guys something. Be serious for one moment. Outside of Thanksgiving, when's the last time you've actually eaten cranberry sauce? Have a hard time recollecting? That's because the answer is NEVER! Never never never. Or when's the last time you saw it on a menu? Get my point? Nobody would dare touch that stuff any other time. But on Thanksgiving, we're so over the top thankful that we're willing to suffer a miserable meal just to prove how thankful we actually are. Crazy.

Canada anyone?


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