Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Three Little Pigs

I was reading this wonderful classic to my son tonight when all of a sudden it dawned on me. Something was just not sitting right. It's the story... It's flawed. It's flawed I tell you. It's taken me 36 years to finally come to the realization that this story just doesn't add up. For those of you who still believe in Santa and the tooth fairy, stop reading, put away the mouse, and just walk away. I'm afraid you just won't have the stomach for what I'm about to tell you.

For starters, let's just start with the title: The Three Little Pigs. Repeat: That's The Three LITTLE Pigs. "Little" as in small. I don't know about you guys but when I think of little, I think of mice. Perhaps even a cat. But a PIG? An average pig weighs 200-300 lbs (unless we're talking about the potbellied variety in which case we'd all be reading "The Three Little Potbellied Pigs"). There's nothing little about them. Ugly? Yep. Dirty? You bet. Noisy? Indeed. But not, and I repeat NOT little by any stretch of the imagination.

Now let's get into the heart of the story. So here's this so called "Big Bad Wolf" huffing and puffing his way into each pig's house. Question #1: Why on earth doesn't he ever try simply opening the door? Is that too much to ask? So far as I can tell, the doors were never locked. Granted, it probably wouldn't make for such a dramatic story if the wolf opens the first door he comes to, grabs the pig, swallows him whole and walks off into the sunset. But at the same time, we can't just throw logic out the window, now can we?

O.K. so let's allow ourselves to suspend disbelief for just a moment longer... Now the wolf does his huffing and puffing and blows the house down. Now let's close our ours for a sec and think about the kind of storm it would take to just rip apart your house like that. We're talking like a category 56 hurricane or something way off the charts, right? Think about it - no roof, no walls, not even the foundation. Every last thing in site just ripped to shreds. Everything that is... but the pig. Everything's demolished but that annoying "little" pig. He's just standing there perfectly intact without any broken bones or ribs. Not a scratch. Heck, there's not one hair out of place. In fact, as I recollect, he's not even breathing hard. He's just sort of standing there dumbfounded, wondering how that big bad wolf was ever able to blow so hard in the first place.

And here's where the story really really breaks down... So the wolf does his thing and poof - no more house. Just one huffing and puffing villian and our little pig, both standing just inches apart from eachother. So here's your big break Mr. wolf. Here's dinner right in front of your nose. Here what you've been training your whole life for. For this one special moment. One hungry wolf. One helpless pig. And nothing in between. Time to teach our young kids about the laws of nature. The rules of the jungle. The survival of the fittest. How could our poor little pig possibly get out of this one? How can he escape imminent death? How could he have a prayer of a chance of pulling a Houdini here? Wait a minute... I know... I've got a brilliant idea. How about the pig just picks himself up, brushes himself off and takes a leisurely stroll over to the next pig's house, all while the wolf stands there motionless. Not even a chase. I mean GIVE ME A BREAK! THIS IS INSANITY! What, the wolf is so out of breath he can't outrun a pig? He's gotten so disoriented and dizzy from blowing so hard that he can't see straight? Or is he just so over elated from knocking down the house in his first attempt that he's lost site of his original mission?

So here I was getting all worked up, becoming all enraged, huffing and puffing myself over the sheer absurdity of it all, when my son looked up at me with those sweet innocent eyes and asked: "Daddy, are you ever going to finish the story?"


At 3:54 PM, Blogger David Cowan said...

have you read 3 little pigs lately? grandma emerges unscathed, in one piece, from the wolf's belly. ridiculous, as well as a wee too disturbing to read to my little ones JUST BEFORE THEY FALL ASLEEP.

At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So many holes in your rant that I would have to start my own blog...

Just a couple of points...
1) It would not take a category 56 hurricane to blow down a house made of straw or sticks
2)If you wanted to question the premise of the size of the pig, or the logic behind the story... why pic a book about pigs that build houses in the first place?

Glenn... I expect better

At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have to much time on your hands. You should be reading The Three Little Pigs to your kid instead of over analyzing.

At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Smoke said...

Drugs are just bad, you should try to use Herbal Alternatives as a temporary replacement to loose the dependance!

At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Guitar Master said...

I wish I could blog as good as you, but what I can do is give you a nice Guitar Lesson!


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