Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'm not hot

I'm not hot. Sounds obvious, right? Not that I ever thought heads were turning as I'd stroll down a busy street during lunch hour but I never quite realized just how unattractive I really am until today. You see, today I had the misfortune of tuning into one of those mindless soap operas during my workout routine at the gym (don't blame me - nothing else on this afternoon during my workout except Oprah). And it only took me about 15 minutes to put the pieces of the puzzle together. That is, the fact that I'm not hot. O.K. fine, I'll venture a step further... I'm ugly. That's right, compared to the supposed snapshot of Americana from this particular soap, I'm one UGLY dude. After today, there's absolutely no uncertainty in my mind.

We started out with the modelesque, mid 30's, armani suit-wearing, chiseled-faced, super polished protagonist. Fine, so I can't stack up to him. He is the main character, after all. The show revolves around this guy. I think I can live with that. Hey, I can't always be the best looking guy in the room. But when his mid 60's, pushing retirement, grandpa dad makes his grand entry and blows me out of the water, that's where I start to feel a little ego deflation. You're telling me grandpa is more of a looker than yours truly? Well, evidently yes. Fine, so dad and son both fall from the same tree. I guess that makes sense. Come to think of it, Robert Redford is one of those gracefully aging, elderly actors that quite frankly most women would much prefer make a cameo in their fantasy dream than this author. So I guess it's not out of the realm of reality.

But then they go to visit dad's dad (for those of you keeping score at home - that would be "great grandpa") at the nursing home, my jaw just drops. He can't walk, he can't hear and he can't pee on his own but he can make the nurses' heads turn like I'm not even lucky enough to dream about. Now I wasn't just feeling down, I was outright angry! How can this be? Surely there's gotta be someone in this show that I can top. The mailman? He's better looking. The butcher at the local deli? He wins. The pharmacist? I'm not even close. This is crazy! There was even this guy who was run over by a bus and then mauled by a ferocious, man-eating tiger. His face was literally ripped to shreds. He's lucky to be alive. But there he was in his hospital bed in the ICU putting me and my looks to shame. (And just in case you're wondering, the doctor, admin, janitor, flower deliverer, meal server and all other male personnel on the entire hospital staff... all better looking.)

I knew I should have just watched Oprah.

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