Sunday, December 18, 2005

Meter Maids

Are you a Beatles fan? Do the lyrics "Lovely Rita Meter Maid" come to mind? Well, I must confess. I've never met a "lovely" meter maid. Quite frankly, amongst us friends, I've never met a meter maid I didn't despise. There I said it. I HATE meter maids. Hate 'em. I know, I know. I shouldn't hate anyone. They're just doing their jobs. Somebody's gotta put food on the table... Yada yada yada. Sorry. Still hate 'em.

Just last week I was double parked in my neighborhood as I was picking up some shirts at the cleaners. I think I was in there for about... oh... let's call it sixty seconds tops. I then step outside to find one of these annoying meter maids writing me up. I was irate! I angrily inquired: "What the hell are you doing?" She momentarily stopped writing, looked up at me with a quizzical look on her face and sternly questioned: "What did you just say to me?" Pause. Now, have you ever wondered what specific class of governmental operation these meter maids are? Are they technically law enforcement? I mean, are these cops? Do they carry guns? Handcuffs? Can they haul my ass down to the station and write me up for insubordination? Do they outrank traffic cops? I feel like they're floating somewhere in the spectrum in between highway patrol officers and those people that drive the trucks with the neon lighted arrow signs in the back that tell you to switch lanes. But where exactly in that spectrum they lie is the conundrum. O.K., back to our story...

"I don't mean to yell at you", I replied. "I just don't see why you can't let people run into the cleaners for two minutes. It's not like I was blocking traffic." "Well, don't you yell at me mister", she retorted. "You're the one that's parked illegally." I was really annoyed. I was thinking "What, do you work on commission or something and you haven't made your monthly quota? Boo hoo." Evidently, what I was thinking must have inadvertently made it to my lips because steam started to pour out of her ears. O.K. Stupid move. Think fast. Think fast. "Ummm... errr... I mean, well, what I meant was..." She wasn't happy. Not happy at all. "How would you like me to write you up for another ticket?" Pause. Now here we go again. Specifically, what kind of ticket were we talking about here? One of those talking back to a cop type tickets? Or another double parking ticket. Are we talking felony or misdemeanor here? I'd never last even 24 hours behind bars. The suspense was killing me. "So are you actually a real cop or just a meter maid?" Now, for those of you taking notes at home, please write down the question I just asked and put a note next to it with the following comment: NEVER and I repeat NEVER ask that question to a meter maid!

So before I have a chance to utter out even a half baked apology, she starts writing up that second ticket. I was digging myself further and further into a deep hole. I wanted to reach out with both hands and strangle her. "What I bitch on wheels!", I was thinking to myself. She looked up at me with shock. Once again, I apparently didn't do a very good job at keeping my thoughts to myself...


At 12:53 AM, Blogger not30yet said...

You have balls my friend. Not those, you know what I mean.... I hate leaving comments, but I had to for this one.

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Glenn Alan Zweig! Don't you know meter maids carry tasers?

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So... What was the other ticket for exactly?

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Tragic Magic said...

uh-oh ... but I think I understand what you mean. The frustration would kill me too and I'd end up handling the situation exactly the same way as you. Mark D.

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I miss your blog posts.

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