Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Beach

If you pick up the travel section of just about any newspaper these days, it's all about the beach. Hawaii, Bahamas, Jamaica, Cancun, Belize and the list goes on and on. It got me to thinking... What the heck is so great about the beach anyway? Don't get me wrong - warm weather I can relate to. But the sand and the ocean? Let's just talk this through here for a moment. First, a quick lesson in thermodynamics. Ready? Here we go. When the weather's hot, so is the sand. Lesson over. So there you are hopping in pain all over to arrive at your sacred beach spot - you know - the one between the cheesy cell phone talking, cussing-every-other-word New Yorker and the beached whale whose about 163 lbs overweight and wearing a bathing suit 4 sizes too small. But at least you're at the beach, right? So you proceed to unpack your picnic and lay everything out nicely on your blanket. So you start with your gourmet sandwich and just as you're about to take your first bite, you find yourself suddenly caught in a treacherous sandstorm. As it dies down, you painfully open your eyes just a notch and make out 3 kids about 4 feet in front of you finishing up waiving the the rest of the sand out of their towels. Sound familiar? But at least you're at the beach, right? You now spend the next 45 minutes picking out the sand from your food, grain by grain. As you finally get back to where there's more bread than sand and lift the sandwich back toward your mouth for a second attempt, a strong gust of wind comes out of nowhere, blows it right out of your hands and sends it flying halfway down the beach. So now the chase is on. You're running like you're back in high school. Sure, so you have to sacrifice a few sandcastles and make a few kids cry during your quest but they'll get over it. You finally catch up with the sandwich 1/2 mile downwind and take it back with such a forceful grip no hurricane could possibly hope to pry from your hands. 23 minutes after the journey began you find yourself back at your cozy little spot. Unfortunately, so do the ants which have already devoured the top layer of every last edible item on the blanket. Well, there goes lunch. But at least you're at the beach, right?

I must admit, I can't say I see much sense in the ocean either. For divers (like yours truly) and surfers, I see the allure. Surfing in the pool wouldn't be quite the same adrenaline rush. But for all of those folks who like to step into the salty water just up to their ankles and then whip out the paddle boards, I say "huh"? You're telling me that 3 inches of murky salt water really adds that much excitement to the game? But the part I love the most is when the little kids come flying out of the water crying to their parents about all the salt water in their eyes and mouths. "Oh, how did this happen, Jimmy?" the parents empathetically inquire. Gee... that's a tough one. Let's ponder this for a moment, shall we... Oh, I'm really not quite sure. I don't know... Perhaps... Is it possible... Could it be that just maybe their kids were splashing around and swimming for the last hour and a half in SALT WATER!!! But at least you're at the beach, right?


At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glenn, sure the beach can be a pain some times but you are forgetting waves that take bikinis off. Plus it's relaxing... although, those jerk stores who kick the sand around should be defenestrated.

At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Laughing in GA said...

Big deal about the sandwich and the cell phone and the fat people. You have apparently never been pooped on by a pelican in mid-flight.

At 1:11 AM, Blogger David Cowan said...

Ah, how I miss the jagged seashells, stinging jellyfish, and skin cancer.

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